Monday, March 23, 2009

you lift me up continued

weeeeeeeee i think i've figured it out..maybe. i titled this you lift me up because as i'm sitting here typing, listening to josh groban, trying not to lose it dealing w/ the computer.

i have been constantly thinking about what i should do regarding my move. i go back and forth, over and over again. i really miss my family and friends, but i'm beginning to get a connection here. i love living in the country and watching george, my roommate, work out in the yard and the garden. i love watching rinney and oliver running and chasing each other around the yard. george does a good job of taking care of me when i need help. i've gotten to the place that i have a really hard time opening things, whether its food containers or laundry soap. today my left leg, which i've had problems with in the past, is really acting up, to the point i'm afraid to run to the store..meaning afraid to drive and also to walk. afraid i'll end up on my face. i'm sure it will get better, but it's still an issue. i know if i live here, i'll have george right in the same house to help me. in kc i'll be in my own apartment and that worries me some.

now i know my family and friends want me to come back. i've been told they want to take care of me. i appreciate that. but i'm afraid if i come back, it will be that i'm giving up and just waiting to die....but i'm not waiting. i'm living. george is more than just a roommate. we're really good friends. i enjoy his company, most of the time. lol.

back when i found out i had ms, one of the first things i did was get rid of my vehicle because it was a manual. that was back in 2000. 9 years later what am i driving? a stick shift..and except for today, i have no problem driving it. i jumped the gun. i could have kept my truck and tracker and not gone into debt for the ford, only to have it repo'd at a later time. i was trying to prepare for what "could" happen. i've lived most my life that way. i'm not going to do that any more. i will have preparations for when my day big deal...i want to make it as simple as i can on whomever is with me at the time. there's a song by edgar winter called "dying to live". its all about living to die or dying to live. it's all a choice. my choice is living every minute of every day. not just sitting here waiting for my maker to take me. i don't believe he wants me to do that.

so what am i going to do..stay or go..hell if i know for sure. but i do know for sure today i'm happy. i do know for sure i love my family. i do know for sure that i love all my friends, old or new. i do know for sure that jesus will continue to lift me up.....

Let's start all over again..

ok i know i started a blog titled going home, but of course i can't remember how i signed into it. hopefully i'll remember how i got here. all this shit started yesterday when i ended up posting a comment on my own blog...then realized i messed up. so i copied it to an email and hopefully i can copy it here:

well here i go again. i have been trying to decide what to write here and have come to the conclusion that it doesnt matter what i write...just that i write something.
a good friend of mine has a daughter that was diagnosed w/ advanced stages of Hodgins Lymphoma. this was diagnosed back in may of 08. she has gone through so much chemo only to find out that it may still be there...or its an infection. i'm still waiting to hear. it just breaks my heart. she's only 25 years old with a husband and kids. she has pretty much been sick the whole time. but she's not giving up and for that i'm glad. its just to young to die. on the other hand, if she does die now, she's missed out on almost a year of doing things w/ her family...maybe. but maybe it gave her a few months longer. i don't know. i pray for her every day.
a friend that i went to colorado with many years ago (and her son went with us) lost her son this past week from a motorcycle accident. made me feel so sad for my friend and so grateful, even though the trip was a disaster, that i was able to get to know him, ryan. i also feel for his twin brother justin.
mary carpenter's daughter-in-law's dad passed away this past week also. cancer. what really sucks is that erin's (mary's daughter-in-law) mother has been battling cancer too. both of her parents, even though different cancers, had to go through it at the same time. my heart breaks for erin, her sisters and especially her mom. death sucks for those left behind.
so with all of this going on, people fighting so hard against the evil disease and not winning, makes me feel like i've made the right decision to stop my treatment and enjoy the life i have...however long it will be. what sucks is i know it's having an effect on the ones i'm eventually going to leave behind. i know i'll be fine. i believe in the lord jesus christ and i know i have a whole bunch of family and friends up there waiting for me. i just don't want my friends and family to be sad. be thankful that the end of my life i was able to finally move away from the house i grew up in and experience the world. for the first time i became a mom. stephanie and tj have meant the world to me and still do. i miss not seeing them every day, but at least i still see them almost every week. and because of that, their hugs are even tighter when i get them. i miss robin too, but i see her just as often as i do the kids and we still play poker. we even challenge each other to some pogo games. i let her win cause i don't want to hear her whine. and no matter what happened w/ our relationship, robin saved my life. i was in a deep depression in kc. she got me out of there and got me to start living. had the lump in my breast appeared while i was alone, i never would have done anything with it. she made me laugh and taught me all about unconditional love. i still love her and she still loves me. we're still best friends. i was just too old and tired for someone that energetic. sad but true. and it's ok. i'm not mad. i'm grateful.
ok that's it for today...more to come....
oh hell, i just realized i posted a comment...that blows. i'm not going to retype it, hopefully i can just add it here.

yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh it worked....ok now to work on the one for today.