Let's start all over again..

ok i know i started a blog titled going home, but of course i can't remember how i signed into it. hopefully i'll remember how i got here. all this shit started yesterday when i ended up posting a comment on my own blog...then realized i messed up. so i copied it to an email and hopefully i can copy it here:

well here i go again. i have been trying to decide what to write here and have come to the conclusion that it doesnt matter what i write...just that i write something.
a good friend of mine has a daughter that was diagnosed w/ advanced stages of Hodgins Lymphoma. this was diagnosed back in may of 08. she has gone through so much chemo only to find out that it may still be there...or its an infection. i'm still waiting to hear. it just breaks my heart. she's only 25 years old with a husband and kids. she has pretty much been sick the whole time. but she's not giving up and for that i'm glad. its just to young to die. on the other hand, if she does die now, she's missed out on almost a year of doing things w/ her family...maybe. but maybe it gave her a few months longer. i don't know. i pray for her every day.
a friend that i went to colorado with many years ago (and her son went with us) lost her son this past week from a motorcycle accident. made me feel so sad for my friend and so grateful, even though the trip was a disaster, that i was able to get to know him, ryan. i also feel for his twin brother justin.
mary carpenter's daughter-in-law's dad passed away this past week also. cancer. what really sucks is that erin's (mary's daughter-in-law) mother has been battling cancer too. both of her parents, even though different cancers, had to go through it at the same time. my heart breaks for erin, her sisters and especially her mom. death sucks for those left behind.
so with all of this going on, people fighting so hard against the evil disease and not winning, makes me feel like i've made the right decision to stop my treatment and enjoy the life i have...however long it will be. what sucks is i know it's having an effect on the ones i'm eventually going to leave behind. i know i'll be fine. i believe in the lord jesus christ and i know i have a whole bunch of family and friends up there waiting for me. i just don't want my friends and family to be sad. be thankful that the end of my life i was able to finally move away from the house i grew up in and experience the world. for the first time i became a mom. stephanie and tj have meant the world to me and still do. i miss not seeing them every day, but at least i still see them almost every week. and because of that, their hugs are even tighter when i get them. i miss robin too, but i see her just as often as i do the kids and we still play poker. we even challenge each other to some pogo games. i let her win cause i don't want to hear her whine. and no matter what happened w/ our relationship, robin saved my life. i was in a deep depression in kc. she got me out of there and got me to start living. had the lump in my breast appeared while i was alone, i never would have done anything with it. she made me laugh and taught me all about unconditional love. i still love her and she still loves me. we're still best friends. i was just too old and tired for someone that energetic. sad but true. and it's ok. i'm not mad. i'm grateful.
ok that's it for today...more to come....
oh hell, i just realized i posted a comment...that blows. i'm not going to retype it, hopefully i can just add it here.

yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh it worked....ok now to work on the one for today.